Six Ways To Strike Out

Since this blog is quickly turning into a memoir of all my past relationship mishaps, I have compiled a short list of six things men should avoid, all of which are based on very true, unfortunate events I’ve experienced that constitute a deal breaker not only for me, but for most women I know. Please, for the sake of potential dates everywhere, at all costs avoid being or doing any of the following:

1. Winking Maniacs. Except for maybe 10 minutes in the 1970’s, winking has never been sexy. Most guys figure this out by the time they’re 14, and some guys never do. This is uniquely ineffective if you’ve just said anything that even remotely hints at something sexual, like how you prefer to keep your bedroom “hot and sweaty” in the log cabin that you built by hand (especially not awesome if you’re missing a finger), that just so happens to overlook the small, murky pond you named Walden. The girl you just winked at will immediately call a friend and say, “He’s a winker,” to which her friend will reply, “Eww.” However unlikely, ironic winking could work although this takes two like minded people to pull of, therefore making it a rare exception.
2. Married Creeps Need Not Apply. Don’t be an asshole. Just don’t.
3. Finger Sucking Married Creeps. Long story. Let’s just say it has been tried and tested only to be deemed unsuccessful and disturbingly hilarious. You don’t want to be that guy. The girl whose finger you just sucked without warning will tell all of her friends and together they will secretly laugh at you for months, that is if she doesn’t get a restraining order first. That’s not how you want to be remembered. Trust me. Add some extra special awkwardness into the mix if you happen to be co-workers.
4. Arrogant Pricks A No-Go. If you have to tell someone, repeatedly, just how great and wonderful you are, then let’s face it, you’re neither great or wonderful. Girls are smart, clever creatures and we can spot an asshole from a mile away, even more so when the smell of The Hard Sell is wafting in our face all night. A touch of modesty goes a long way, that’s all I’m saying.
5. Idea Men Be Warned. This one is a little tricky because it will take us ladies some time to spot, especially if your ideas are any good. In fact, it isn’t about constantly having new ideas, because the simple fact that you come up with them says you’re creative and passionate, which is typically a good thing. This is about your potential for the follow through. Follow through is important because it tells us all we need to know about your ability to focus and commit. A good rule of thumb to tell if you are an idea man is if, within the course of a year, you have started 10 million different projects without finishing a single one. It doesn’t matter how brilliant you are – after a while all of your ideas will sound like the one before it, then before you know it, everything that comes out of your mouth will sound like complete and utter bullshit, and then we’ll both be bored. Just focus and finish something.
6. Empty Flattery Be Damned. Save it. No one needs it. Not every girl reads cheesy romance novels and dreams of long walks on the beach with Fabio. It isn’t charming. True flattery – the kind that’s backed up with some feeling, truth and substance – now that’s the stuff. It’s called a well-crafted compliment.