Wax On, Wax Off

For reasons beyond my understanding, I have taken an interest in the appearance and upkeep of my car. I purchased it brand new in 2003, and I think I’ve cleaned and vacuumed it less than 10 times since then. Don’t get me wrong – it hasn’t been a total disaster or a health risk – just a sea of papers in the floorboards and a couple of chicken nuggets in hidden places (thanks, nephews!), and usually in need of some serious dusting. Since last week, I’ve washed my car three times and yesterday I waxed it. I vacuumed and shined the interior twice this weekend already.

It is an obsession.

The waxing deserves its own story because it was such a pain in my ass. I was under the impression, delusional or not, that waxing was a time consuming yet easy job. I know those of you who have hand waxed a car are already laughing at me, but to those of you who have yet to tap into this type of delightful auto care experience, let me tell you, you’re in for a big fucking surprise.

In my defense, it’s unseasonably hot for October, and when I was applying the wax, my line of thinking was: if car + wax = shine, then car + LOTS of wax = godlike.

In truth, the equation turned out to be: if car + wax = hard work, then car + LOTS of wax = two days in hell.

My arms have never been this sore, and even though I’ve already decided that I will jump in front of a moving bus before I’ll ever wax my car again, I should try to remember the invaluable service knee pads would provide if I were to ever suddenly lose my mind and forgo my earlier decision. Waxing a car takes elbow grease, arm strength, buckets of sweat, and in my case, many tears, and my final word on the subject is that car waxing is a job for a girl’s boyfriend or husband – two things I must find.

As a woman, it is my God given right to pull the Delicate Flower card when I deem it necessary, and I may only be treated as such during the times of my own choosing. I hope you’re taking notes, boys.

Now that the upkeep of my car is complete and I’m obsessing about every square inch of that pretty bitch (pictures coming soon!), I am taking it to levels previously unheard of and looking into chrome wheels, and seeking suggestions on how to fix one of the things that is keeping my car from perfection. Who knows, I might even try to figure out how many cylinders my engine has!

The problem: the interior door handles are chrome plated and during the past two or three years the plating has chipped off here and there, leaving jagged, sharp edges which has sliced open the fingers of more than five passengers. Do any of you know of a way I can fix this that doesn’t involve replacing the handles completely or covering them with something hideous, like gauze or “a sock” as previously suggested?